DIABLO TWO FAST TOO FURIOUS

DIABLO TWO FAST TOO FURIOUS! THE FUN GAME WHERE YOU FOLLOW SOME GUY IN A HOOD ON HIS HOLIDAY AND KILL ALL HIS FRIENDS AND RELATIVES! THERE ARE TWO NEW CLASSES OF BITCHES TO NOT PLAY WHILE YOU’RE TEARING SHIT UP AS THE BARBARIAN SO GET TO THE GENOCIDE!

YOU START THE GAME IN A FEMINIST SUMMER CAMP WHERE SOME OLD HAG ASKS YOU TO CLEAR OUT HER CAVE THE FIRST TIME YOU SPEAK TO HER, IT’S A BIT FORWARD BUT YOU NEED THE MONEY AND DIVE RIGHT IN. NEXT THE HEAD FEMINAZI ASKS YOU TO GO DEAL WITH HER EX BECAUSE SHE NEEDS A MAN TO SORT SHIT OUT, YOU CAP A BITCH AND SOME OTHER BITCH STARTS GETTING ALL CLINGY BUT SHE CAN HANDLE A BOW SO WHY THE FUCK NOT. THEN YOU GO BACK IN TIME TO VIETNAM TO SAVE A PRISONER OF WAR AND STEAL BODY PARTS FROM DEAD CRIPPLES, YOU’RE A REAL HERO NOW! FINALLY YOU GET SOME BROAD HAMMERED AND THEN KILL SOME DIABL-HOE AND WIN A TRIP TO THE FUCKING DESERT.

IN THE DESERT YOU SPEND MOST OF YOUR TIME PLAYING WITH SOME OLD MAN’S STAFF AND FINDING A WAY TO TURN THE SUN BACK ON. NINETY PERCENT OF THIS ACT IS STUPID, BORING FILLER SO WHO GIVES A FUCK. YOU GET TO THE END, ENDURE MORE HOMOEROTIC STAFF/ORIFICE ACTION, KILL A SLUG AND FIND OUT YOUR CREEPY BONDAGE GUY SLIPPED OUT OF HIS GIMP SUIT AND WENT TO A SWAMP. THE WHOLE ACT COMPLETELY DIA-BLOWS.

THE FIRST THING YOU DO HERE IS CHASE DOWN A BIRD LIKE A REAL MAN, BECAUSE YOU’RE PROBABLY GETTING BORED OF THE ONE FOLLOWING YOU FROM ACT 1 ALREADY. AFTERWARDS YOU HARVEST SOME ORGANS TO MAKE A FLAIL, CRASH A BIRTHDAY PARTY AND SMASH THE ORB, IT’S REALLY FUCKING COMPELLING (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!?!?). YOU GO DOWNSTAIRS TO FIND A BETTER PARTY BUT YOUR HOODED FRIEND HAD TO DITCH EARLY BECAUSE HE HAS WORK THE NEXT MORNING AND IN RESPONSE YOU KILL EVERYONE INCLUDING HIS DIA-BRO.

OBVIOUSLY FOR THE AMOUNT OF LIVES YOU’VE RUINED SO FAR YOU END UP IN HELL, BUT YOU CAN STILL RUIN THE GUY’S HOMECOMING PARTY. YOU GO GET HAMMERED AND STONED BEFORE ROCKING UP, TRASHING THE HOUSE, BREAKING ABOUT 5 PIECES OF FURNITURE AND THEN PULLING THE ULTIMATE DICK MOVE OF KILLING THE GUEST OF HONOUR. CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS, YOU’RE A REAL HERO NOW BUDDY, WHY DON’T YOU STICK THAT SOULSTONE UP YOUR ASS THIS TIME AROUND? LET THE CREDITS ROL- WRONG BITCH, EXPANSION PACK!

AFTER KILLING ALL HIS FRIENDS AND FAMILY, YOU FIND OUT DIABLO HAD ANOTHER BROTHER WHO WENT TO THE MOUNTAINS TO GET SOME TIME ALONE TO GRIEVE, SO IT’S ONLY FAIR YOU GO KILL HIM TOO. YOU FIND HIM AND KILL ALL HIS FRIEND RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM, SO LIKE THE EMO BITCH HE IS BAAL LOCKS HIMSELF IN HIS ROOM, KICK DOWN THE DOOR, ENDURE SOME WEIRD ASS JAPANESE TENTACLE PORN ATTACKS AND CUT HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF. YOU WERE TOO SLOW TO SAVE THE WORLD ANY WAY SO A FAIRY THROWS A SWORD AT A ROCK AND THE GAME ENDS, NOW YOU CAN ALL WAIT 13 YEARS FOR MY NEXT REVIEW.

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